facing my fears

i am not, by nature, a very fearful person. i don't tend towards anxious thinking or behavior. but i'm still afraid. i guess everyone is in some way.

there are the basic fears-- spiders, snakes, drowning. there are theoretical fears-- what people think, how someone will react, the "what if's" of life. and sometimes there are situations and issues in life that we are afraid of. i think a lot of people live in a functional self-protection by "avoiding" our fears. then we live in a perpetual state of denial claiming that we "aren't afraid" because we never face these fears.

months ago, i was going strong studying for my PA re-certification exam. early mornings, kids' nap time, whatever i could squeeze in. i had goals and was feeling good. then doubt began to creep in. i was super stressed and hardly noticed. i started to base my goals and plans on how i felt. i finally decided that re-certifying this year wasn't for me and just stopped. the stress lifted. i was happy. elated, more like it. probably obnoxiously so. i felt so free.

fast-forward a few months. someone close and dear to me strongly encouraged me to reconsider. she reminded me of the hard work put in to becoming a PA in the first place. she told me that these "days in the trenches" wouldn't last forever and maintaining my certification could open up lots of options. she said it would only be harder the longer i waited. she didn't tell me anything i didn't already know. but she represented the many who believe in me and are rooting for my success. sometimes just a nudge of encouragement can go such a long way.

isn't that the truth?! that might be the setup for an entirely different post. but what if we let encouragement be the fruit of our lips towards those we know and love (or even those we don't)? what if we became intentional about building others up, fueling the fire of good in their life? i don't know about you, but encouragement is pretty powerful stuff. just food for thought.

anyways, after some days talking to Jesus and my husband, i am doing it. i am taking the plunge. i am taking my re-certification exam. i am no less afraid. i have no guarantee of passing. but i feel strongly that this is what i am supposed to do, so i'm going for it.

so, what do i do with this fear? i am making myself give it to Jesus. for me, this takes discipline. every time i am studying and start to get anxious about what i know or don't know, i tell Jesus (he knows, but it's my way of giving it to him. telling him that i need him.). i'm giving every second of studying to him, and thanking him for every interrupted second of studying. lots of prayer. lots of gratitude. because it's all a gift. from him.

so what's my plan? (anyone close to me knows there's always a plan!). early morning studying before the kids wake (learning to love those quiet mornings with the books and coffee). sometimes nap time studying and practice questions. this will continue for two months. then i'm heading to California for a review course. five days of intense, fire-hose, medical information overload with practice tests up to my ears (and five nights of uninterrupted sleep! holla!). i will then take my exam within a couple of weeks of the course, sometime late October/early November!

i can hardly wait for the day i get to write and tell you that i passed this test. until then, i would appreciate any prayers for focused study time, clarity and comprehension of the material, and peace and critical thinking the day of the test!